A rare look inside my head…
What is the voice in your head saying right now? What’s it not saying?
Just the other day I realized that I no longer felt the relentless subtle paranoia and fear triggered by the pandemic that the world was going to collapse and I would have to grow all my own food, find ways to keep warm all winter, and also find alternatives to toilet paper. I think having a stroke snapped me out of it because suddenly I was just happy to be alive each day. Our minds have incredible power over our bodies, and doctors and scientists are only just starting to acknowledge that. That’s why mental self-care is just as important as physical self-care.
Mental self-care starts with self-awareness, which is a challenge for everyone. It’s hard to hold a mirror up to your brain and see inside and figure out what exactly is going on in there. (And sometimes even when you can see inside your brain you still don’t know what’s going on in there.) That’s why getting help is so important for mental self-care. You might be trapped in a self-created world that isn’t the right place for you to thrive, so you might need to move or build a new world. Or better, grow a new world.
Actually, I think people are a lot like houseplants. We start out as baby seedlings who need a lot of care and attention. And then as we grow we need bigger and bigger pots in order to survive. Sometimes, we even need to be planted outside, where we are exposed to the elements and risk of being eaten or stepped on. That feeling of outgrowing our pots and needing to be re-planted is, in my opinion, where a lot of mental health issues stem from. Because let’s face it, all the meditation and therapy in the world are not going to help you if you are currently planted in the wrong pot. However, just changing pots without doing the work of self-awareness won’t change your mental state or habits either.
Which Mind Virus Do You Have?
There is a lot of talk these days about the “woke mind virus,” which, no joke, makes me chuckle. The “woke mind virus” shows a lack of self-awareness about the history of the term “woke” and how simple and essential it is. Are you aware? Are you growing? are you awake? Is there anyone who really wants to sleep through life? But there are other mind viruses too — the white male supremacist mind virus, the tech bro mind virus, the Karen mind virus, the “we have to save the world” mind virus, and the white savior mind virus. But basically, all these terms are a form of name-calling that just serve to keep us asleep and prevent us from connecting to each other as real people. That’s why the only way out of any mind virus is to step away for a second and look at the bigger picture…
The Karpman Drama Triangle
Victim. Perpetrator. Hero. Those three mindsets make up the Karpman Drama Triangle that too many of us get caught up in, as I write about in Love Nature Magic. But it’s a trap. The only way to find the peace we are all looking for is to step outside of the drama triangle. Just be human. But sometimes, we need help being human. So here are 10 proven techniques to explore:
Mindfulness. When I was a kid, no one used this word. Now everyone uses it and they are teaching it to kids in school, thankfully. What is mindfulness? It’s simply paying attention to what is. The other day one of my kids was stressing about something and my response was an exercise in mindfulness, taking note of what was happening around us that was good. We were breathing. We were sitting outside on a lovely day. We were fed. We were breathing. We were healthy. That moment enabled us to move from stress to gratitude. Even if it was only temporary.
Meditation. Contrary to popular belief, meditation isn’t about emptying your mind and not thinking about anything. It’s really about calming your mind and letting your thoughts float by like clouds. Or I like the image of a lake without wind that finally is so calm you can see what’s underneath. There are so many different types of meditation, but if you feel the desire or need, just start by sitting quietly and breathing.
Therapy. I would not be alive today without therapy. All kinds. Get over your fear and inhibitions and just do it. The best place to find a therapist is the Psychology Today Find a Therapist tool. Have a session and see if you connect with the therapist. But also know that feeling uncomfortable is sometimes a sign that you are growing.
Somatic Therapy. Sometimes, often actually, we hold our past traumas in our bodies and just talking about it isn’t enough. That’s why somatic therapy is so helpful. It uses physical techniques and movements to regulate our nervous system, release trauma, and calm anxiety. There are all sorts of exercises and therapists that can make a huge difference. This is especially helpful if you suffer from PTSD.
Trying New Things. It’s a proven thing that breaking out of your routine and doing something different, exciting, and even a bit scary can snap you into a better mind frame. It has something to do with dopamine and other hormones. Once I had a very deep depression. But the minute I got off a plane in Tokyo for a vacation, the darkness lifted. You don’t have to fly to Tokyo, but it is really cool.
Learning new things is also key to healthy mental self-care. Reading books, watching documentaries, taking workshops, taking up a new hobby, and experimenting in the kitchen (or the bedroom!) are all great ways to cultivate a healthy mindset.
Mental Hygiene. This is where the self-talk comes in. Keep your thoughts clean and kind — whether it’s to you or others. It helps to surround yourself with kind people. If you fill your mind with toxic thoughts, books and movies, or people you can’t help but feel toxic. Create boundaries around toxic people, eliminating them from your life if you can. But don’t just avoid people or hide away. Because…
Staying connected and engaged is super important. It’s easy to get lost in your mind, especially for introverts like me. Just this weekend I pushed myself to have a conversation with someone who was sitting alone. It was fascinating. I thought of a person I might want to connect her to. Then today, I saw that person in the supermarket even though I haven’t seen her in over a decade. That’s the magic that both helps others and helps me feel alive, useful, and happy.
Listen to the voice and trust it. (The gut voice vs. the mental voice.) For example, I didn’t really need to go to the supermarket today. I could have just gone to a pharmacy to get what I needed. But I had a feeling in my gut, a little voice that said “Go.” I listened. And it gave me an experience that made me and others happy. I have learned when I feel that voice, to listen and act on it. That’s when all the best magic happens.
Use the power of affirmations. Do you remember when SNL had a character who said nice things to himself in the mirror and it was smarmy and snarky and we all laughed? That, my friends, is bad mental self-care — to laugh at someone or something that is earnest and fragile. That’s bullying, actually. Don’t do it. Instead, say good things to yourself and mean it. Say it again with feeling. Repeat it until it’s true. Find other things to laugh at, like goofy animal videos.
Ultimately, we are all the plants we were born to be. We can’t change our fundamental nature. But we can change the environment, the pot, the nutrients, and the amount of light. Nothing lives forever. Not a plant or not us. But while we are here we can mentally take care of ourselves, protect ourselves, and nurture our growth and happiness.
In my next post, I’ll discuss spiritual self-care. That should be fun! I promise it will be only slightly weird.