The recent chaos — “Tariffs! No, wait! No tariffs. Okay, tariffs again! Maybe tomorrow. No, next week. And this time, I really mean it! I was just joking. Project 2025? I don’t know anything about it. But here’s your new head of the budget office, who just happens to be the author of it.” And then that shaming session in the oval office…which it turns out was a ruse because Trump had already promised Putin he was going to withdraw support from Ukraine. This all reminded me of something I learned during the decades of therapy I went through from being part of a family business: Inconsistent Parenting is the root of most mental illness and childhood trauma. And now we are watching it play out on the world stage.
I first figured it out when I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. Yes, my mother was an alcoholic. Suddenly, so much about my childhood and about me made sense. When a parent is an alcoholic and or a narcissist, a child has a hard time trusting anyone and spends most of their life hyper aware of the parent so they can manage their own safety and protect themselves from the inconsistency. This leads a child to develop a deep need for control. It also disconnects the child from their own feelings and sense of self because they are so busy being vigilant about their parent’s feelings and self. It’s exhausting.
I just saw a quote on Instagram that made this truth sink in even more:
“Alice Miller, who studied the abusive parenting methods of 1700-1800s Germany that led to the rise of Hitler, found that the best indicator of whether or not a person resisted the Nazi party was their level of connection to their true self. It wasn’t education or intellect or gender — it was that ability to be connected to their sense of self, values, morality, and preference.” D.L Mayfield.
One of my first therapists told me about Alice Miller and her book The Drama of the Gifted Child. It would take me decades (and TikTok!) to piece together the threads to understand the cloak of invisibility I was wearing. I didn’t start genuinely feeling my true feelings until I was in my 50s. Menopause helps with that, by the way. So does writing. Sobriety is essential. Therapy was super helpful, too, but I learned the most from my own inner exploration along with research. For example, I spent a decade talking to a wonderful therapist about relationship issues. But it was only when I independently learned about attachment theory (on Instagram, for lord’s sake!) that I understood my own and my partner’s behavior. That was a revelation! It didn’t resolve anything because I couldn’t make the other person learn or change. But it sure helped me accept the outcome and how my own behavior contributed to the problems.
We live in a culture of blame. We blame Mexican cartels for our opiate addictions and crisis. We blame immigrants for crime and fear, even though all evidence refutes it. We blame spouses for our own unhappiness. We blame women and young girls for uncontrolled male sexual urges and violence. We blame technology for all our kids’ problems, thinking that taking away their access to it will prevent them from having issues. Uhm…all that technology didn’t exist back in the 1800s, and kids still had problems. That’s because it’s US. Us. It’s all of us parents who don’t do the fucking courageous work of healing our own childhood trauma. As I read somewhere recently, addiction is a family problem. Period. And healing is not once and done. It’s ongoing. That’s why I stopped drinking when my second child was a toddler. I didn’t want to do to her what my mother did to me. But, stopping drinking was only the first step to my healing. I read. I went to therapy. I wrote. I took courses. I saw healers of all kinds. I worked with Shamans, who probably helped me the most with my healing. I also realized that a key part of healing is grieving. We need to truly grieve the loss of the things we didn’t have that we needed — a mother’s consistent love, a father’s consistent love, supportive siblings, and spouses who cared deeply for our needs. It’s brutal. And it takes time.
When I started aligning my outer behavior with my true inner thoughts and feelings, not giving a shit what other people thought, it was terrifying! But you know what? It led to a thousand amazing and better things. Genuine, authentic things. Real connection to others. I became the parent to my children (and myself) that I always wished I’d had. I found true friendships with all types of diverse and wonderful people. When you commit to finding and embodying your true self, the universe aligns with you, and everything falls into place. It’s the trail of magic!
There is an awesome clip of Kendrick Lamar talking about this. I was raised on fairy tales and romances, believing that true love and happily ever after was the ultimate goal of everything. Of course, for the first 61 years of my life, I defined true love as finding a romantic partner. But about two years ago, I heard about de-centering men and the idea that I could be complete in myself, by myself. It was liberating and wonderful! It especially opened me up to even more friendships with men and women without any sexual overtones, undertones, or sense of competition. What, then, is true love? Kendrick defines it as authenticity and finding your true self. Because only then can you truly love others.
“When everyone’s authentic, what comes out of that is true love.” He says in the clip. He is right.
So how do you find your true self? I don’t know!! LOL. You have to find it on your own. But here are some ways I found mine:
I meditate every day. Just sitting with a timer for 30 minutes. No mantra. No trying to clear my mind. In fact, most of these posts come straight out of my meditations.
I only do what I want to do and say no to things I don’t want to do — unless it’s something I have to do for some reason, family or otherwise. And I always listen to the little voice inside me that has opinions about these things.
I make lists of what makes me feel happy and then strive to do more of that. And then I don’t make any more lists.
I let go of people, places, and responsibilities that pull me away from my own joy.
I 100% have stopped trying to change other people, please people, pretend to be something I’m not, and look a certain way because it’s how people think I’m supposed to look. For example, I am not thin. I do not dye my hair. I don’t wear any makeup except for lip gloss because I don’t like the feeling of dry lips. I haven’t worn high heels in decades. That may not be your true self, but it’s mine. We are all different! And it’s amazing! I don’t judge! When we are our true selves, we help others feel safe to be their true selves.
I feel free to change myself when things no longer feel true to me because I keep growing and learning, and that makes me happy. And sometimes it makes me feel sad. I allow myself to feel all the feelings and figure out what they are trying to help me learn.
If there is one thing we all can learn from this political shit show we are watching, is that consistent parenting and consistent behavior in leadership is the key to feeling safe, and finding success and happiness. And the only way to accomplish that is to consistently figure out who you really are and act in alignment with that, flowing down the river without struggle, enjoying the ride.
I hope America finds its true self before it’s too late. I hope WE find our true selves before it’s too late. I hope we find leaders who are consistent and know who they truly are so we can trust them and each other. But I also know that it starts inside each of us first. The US is us.
I just found this post, and I love it. It’s the most relatable essay I’ve read in a while. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏽
Good writing. Good thoughts. Thank you.
I hope we do eventually realize it is US - and not when its too late.