Celebrating a successful sled run! (photo credit goes to Lucia.)
Very soon I will be turning 62. It’s an age that almost seemed unfathomable to my younger self. Ancient! And yet it’s an age by which I always knew I wanted to be free: Free from family business. Free from being a dutiful daughter. Free from the expectations of society and men, especially, but also other women. Free from all the wondering about what my future would hold (kids, jobs, relationships, etc.). So here I am, qualifying for senior discounts at the movie theater! Lately, I’ve seen a lot of women on social media beginning to talk about getting older and wondering about it. As you may know about me by now, I love talking about the stuff that often people don’t talk about. Demystifying the mysteries! So here is my list of what I love about being an older, and even old, woman:
I give zero fucks about what other people think about me. I’ve been called everything you can imagine. I know some people loathe me, probably because they are jealous or just plain mean (or sometimes mentally ill). I used to worry about it and take it personally, but now I understand that it’s more a reflection of them. I know I am loved and appreciated by the people that matter most to me, and who know me best. Those are the people who are worthy of my attention and care. And I still love to care for them.
I LOVE menopause. I spent 40 years of my life on the roller coaster of hormones — the ups, the downs, the headaches, the pain. I am exceedingly grateful for the three daughters my uterus grew for me (and sad about the three I lost to miscarriage…don’t even get me started on the stupidity of people who think that miscarriage is a form of abortion or crime. Fie on you! And shame!). But now…I can wear white pants without fear! I can spend months on end without worrying about when and what is going to come out of me and if I am prepared. All this complaining about menopause making women feel useless or done with desire is baloney. What I am done with is bull shit.
I’ve earned my freedom and I’m not afraid to use it. Growing up in a family business, I learned that if you were a family member, you had to work twice as hard to get any respect. If you were a woman, you had to work three times as hard. Still, I would face misogyny, sexism, and misplaced envy every day (I can’t even tell you the half of it). I say misplaced envy because people think it’s easy — effectively working with parents, siblings, and non-family managers. It’s not. And I earned every penny I ever made, doing the kind of work that few people will ever understand let alone appreciate. That’s ok. Because now I am free and my choices are my own. Zero fucks, remember? We are all dealt a hand at birth that may or may not be of our choosing. But how we play our hands IS of our choosing. My life was by no means easy. So I feel I’ve earned the freedom I have now. And my family can be my real family, not a corporation.
Many mysteries have been solved. When we are younger we all tend to wonder — what will I be when I grow up? Will I ever get married? How many kids will I have? Will I be a good parent? Who am I and what is my purpose? Now I know the answers to those questions. And I can explore the deeper mysteries, such as why misogyny is still so prevalent on this planet. And how can we change that?
I can enjoy men as people rather than as sex objects. Speaking of men, when I was younger I was raised to see men as either potential mates or sex objects. According to the women I knew growing up, my value was based on whether men were attracted to me or not and who I partnered with. Something inside of me always balked at that expectation. “Why can’t we just be friends?” was a common thought that usually ended in me either fighting off or giving in to sexual advances. Not anymore! Now, I have lots of male friends who I have no expectation or interest in anything other than good conversation, laughter, and maybe some golf. And I’m gratifyingly pleased with how my daughters can choose differently.
I can see through so much bullshit. Like how advertising brainwashes people. How celebrities and famous athletes are not worth worshiping (although we can still appreciate them). What’s a bot and what’s not a bot. How religions have stolen stories and lives to hoard power, control, and wealth. How a reluctance to learn new things and be open to new ideas is the first sign of death. How alcohol kills people and suppresses their truth. How other people’s problems are not mine to solve. How wars are just an excuse for men to feel their feelings and “make” or steal money. How women are afraid of so many things they shouldn’t be afraid of (and often not afraid of the things they should be).
I’m not afraid to wear a bikini at the beach. I love going to the beach and seeing all the oldsters in their lumpy, wobbly, gnarly beauty letting it all hang out. One of them is me. We don’t care. The sun feels good. The water feels good. Being alive and on a beach feels good. In fact, now when I see younger women worrying too much about their bodies or trying to look perfect, it breaks my heart. Just enjoy it!
I’ve learned how to listen to my body. Even when I was CEO of magazines like Runner’s World, Bicycling, Women’s Health, and Men’s Health, some things didn’t seem right to me. Now, many of those gonzo athletes have had knees and hips replaced. There is nothing inherently wrong with any activity — whether it’s cycling, running, or yoga, but taken to the extreme it’s not always a good thing for your body or your mind. No one sport or activity is going to solve everyone’s problem. But by listening to my body, I’ve been able to figure out what works for me: walking, gardening, lifting weights. Moving and using my body is essential. But I no longer wish to ride a bike. I no longer enjoy riding horses. If I have pain, I look for both the physical and emotional (or even spiritual) causes at the root of it. Then I do the inner work to heal it. Hot baths, rest, stretches, massage, supplements, and inner work all seem to help. Doctors help too. One of the messages I got from my stroke was that I needed to slow down. In fact, my New Year’s resolution before I had it was to be more gentle with myself. I listened and paid attention and now, yes, I am more gentle with myself. My body also asked me to stop feeding it sugar. I listened and feel better as a result.
I enjoy the occasional cloak of invisibility. I see a few women complaining that being older makes them feel invisible. What’s wrong with that? When we are invisible we can go places, do things, and get things done quietly and discreetly. And then it’s a delight when some people do see us! The question is, do you see yourself? If you do, that’s all that matters.
I understand history and herstory more. Because I love to study history, and I’ve lived through different eras, it is easier for me to see the patterns and cycles and how they repeat. But also how with each cycle things get better and stay better. I lived through the Jerry Falwell and Phylis Schlafly moral majority anti-gay AIDS era. Believe me when I tell you, there is nothing as bad as that today. Today is just a tiny echo of the last wave of ridiculousness. It’s as if evolution has to happen in waves, forward, backward, up, down, over and over, repeat. And women? We have come so far that it’s not even funny. Less than 100 years ago our relatives could commit us to mental institutions if they didn’t like who we were becoming. Whether it’s women’s rights or racism, poverty, or persecution, most things are better than they once were. But it’s also up to us to create and envision the future. If we revel in dystopian stories, expect dystopia. What does a joyous, free, and abundant future look like? If you can imagine it, we can create it.
I’m still 13 inside but without all the angst. This is a secret that many of us older people know…we never really grow up. Sure, our bodies start to decay and wrinkle up like an old apple, but inside we are still just the kid who got a kick out of stupid shit and laughed at inappropriate stuff. Sometimes I am a boy. Sometimes I am a girl. Sometimes I do feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives! But all of them were lived within the spirit of a young troublemaker. This is also why cat and other animal videos are so popular.
I no longer feel the need to save the world. In my family growing up we got the message that it was our job to save the world — either through publishing health and organic gardening books and magazines, or by “saving the children” and the people of Africa or China. I didn’t hear the term “white saviors” until a few years ago, but I immediately understood it. It’s crazy to think that any one person can save the world—especially if it means that our way of living is the right way and theirs is wrong. I’m still trying to dismantle the white saviorism in my mind that I was raised to believe in. But now I know my job is to learn as much as possible about the world and experience it fully and without judgment. Taste it. Smell it. Try to understand it. Appreciate it. Love it. And share my thoughts about it all because why not? I enjoy writing! It’s also important to me to have as beneficial an impact on the world that’s right around me as I can. That doesn’t mean being toxically positive, saying yes to everything or everyone, or even letting you all know everything I do. It just means trying to make the best decisions when they are right in front of me — even the hard ones.
Every day is precious. I have seen enough death now to know for sure that the only thing that is real is right now, and even that may be a cosmic video game simulation. I want to get the most out of each day — even if that means resting, not doing. I know that I can’t take stuff with me when I die, and fancy things aren’t fulfilling anyway. Jewelry, luxury brands, and expensive cars don’t make me feel valued or more satisfied with life. Here’s what is fulfilling: comfortable shoes on a long walk, a good bed with clean sheets accompanied by a full night of sleep, simple meals cooked and eaten with love, experiences that bring joy (music, swimming in the sea, laughter), the unfettered wildness of nature, and a happy and loved family.
Getting older is a gift that not all people receive, so let’s start celebrating and appreciating it. I don’t believe in the olden days idea that all elders deserve our respect and obedience. But one thing I have learned is that even the most difficult and challenging older people all have a story of how and why they are the way they are. We can learn from their stories and integrate those lessons into our own lives to help us become better, more loving, and happier humans.
Ok, you’ve convinced me: I want to be an older woman too! Many thanks for the revelations.
At 76 I can say that it only gets better! Thanks for cheering on older women, Maria.