25 Reasons I Probably had a Stroke...

Of course this is something I’ve thought a lot about in the last four weeks. And while we may never know the exact reason, here are some ideas…

1. I do love salt and ate a lot of it.

2. High blood pressure, obviously. But not crazy high. Borderline high.

3. My lifetime capacity for Advil had been reached, since apparently it brings a risk of stroke with it. (I have had A LOT of headaches in my lifetime.)

4. Perhaps it was an atrial fibrillation incident. Getting to see my heart in an electrocardiogram was a relief. More follow ups with a cardiologist just to be sure.

5. A lifetime of general annoyance with things. And some people.

6. Lucia, my youngest daughter, thinks I manifested it. Because…

7. I often worried that something like this would happen.

8. I even told her a few times I was worried about having a stroke.

9. I told everyone that my new addition on my first floor was in case I needed a place to be old and infirm. While I was in the hospital they installed support bars in the shower. Maybe this was a trial run.

10. My fear of living alone and having something happen to me where I needed help had to be faced. I faced it.

11. I told a lot of people I was old. Getting old. Feeling old. It wasn’t so much my body, which felt strong and capable, but my 400 lifetimes of memories. Words have power. I need to remember that.

12. Both my grandmothers had strokes.

13. My mother and oldest sister had high blood pressure.

14. I was a little arrogant about being 61 and not on any pharmaceuticals.

15. It’s possible I needed an excuse to experience the hospital system from the inside so that I can write more accurately about it.

16. Or it was important for me to learn first hand how stressed and unhappy so many doctors and nurses are even though they are the most wonderful, helpful and kind people.

17. That young and sweet occupational therapist student on his last day of his internship said to me “this is the conversation I needed to have,” and I said “this is love nature magic.” And I needed to have it too. His fiance, by the the way, wrote a Young Adult book called Other Side of the Tracks. You should buy it because being a writer is hard. And marketing a book is even harder.

18. The universe wanted me to learn how to stop pushing, striving, trying to do everything and more. I’ve taken a break from making lists. It was time to relax a bit. Take some time off. Stay in bed for two weeks.

19. My diet needed a bit of a refresh. Since I’ve been gluten free for about two years (which has eliminated my acid reflux), I have not skimped on fats and sugars. Since my stroke I have not had any desire for sugary treats and have cut them, and super fatty meats, from my diet. I don’t miss them.

20. The stress of selling our family business was finally complete. Literally, I signed the final taxes on the day I had the stroke. It’s like those people who drop dead the day they retire. The important thing is I crossed the finish line of that ultra, ultra, ultra marathon.

21. Balance. One of the key messages I got while writing Love Nature Magic was that we need to learn to live in balance with nature. But we also need to balance the male and female in ourselves. My stroke happened in my left brain, which is considered the masculine side (analytical, logical). I was in desperate need to focus more on my feminine side. My whole life I have had to “man up” to get things done, submerging my softer, more vulnerable heart. I’ve had to push. To be strong. To take care of and support everyone else. It was exhausting. Depleting. Sad. Add on to that the sense I had that everyone I’ve ever loved has deeply hurt me (except my children, thankfully) and I created the perfect recipe for some sort of collapse. Or rather, course correction.

22. It was time to prune. Focus. Stop doing the things that don’t make me happy and aren’t fun.

23. What is fun? That is the question I pondered in the hospital. As I watched my middle daughter Eve on “find my kids” going skiing day after day I realized I have never had an activity like that. I was raised to work. And then read. And then clean. Work. Read. Write. Clean. Repeat. All fairly sedentary activities. Even though I exercised before, now my body is weakened. Exercise is essential for stroke recovery. I’ve got to find the fun in moving my body. Safely. (I mean gardening is super fun most of the time, but it’s also very seasonal.) I’m still looking for answers on this one. Swimming in the turquoise sea is always my number one but it’s so far away.

24. I needed to find more compassion. Millions of people are suffering every day—much more than me. I see them on Facebook, in the hospital, at rehab, in the news, at the supermarket. Sadly suffering seems to be universal. I am so fortunate because I can afford insurance (it’s crazy expensive!). Too many people can’t. And not because they aren’t trying or working. The hospital system is broken. The insurance system is broken. But what is also broken are the belief systems that prevent us from providing help and assistance to those who need it. And or the belief system that thinks a few people at the top should profit mightily from people’s suffering. Ugh. I don’t want to hear arguments on this one. It’s real.

25. I have no idea. And I may never know for sure. I have to learn to live with the uncertainty.

(By the way, I asked every single doctor, nurse and aide whether they had seen a correlation between the vaccines and stroke. They had not. I have never had Covid, by the way. No conspiracy theories please.)

I am very lucky. Four weeks after my stroke I now have approval to drive again and I am significantly improved. If you saw me on the street, you might think nothing ever happened. But I still have a limp when I am tired, which is often. My hand and arm don’t quite feel right inside. And my balance is a little off. But I’m focusing on the good things: Spring is here at last! My peas are planted. Today, the sun is shining. Yesterday was the spring equinox. Today is a new moon. And it’s time for new beginnings and fresh starts. I’m ready. And I’m deeply grateful.

Thank you for reading this.