"A Life Lived In Fear Is A Life Half Lived"

This line comes from one of my most favorite movies ever: Strictly Ballroom, Baz Luhrmann's first film from 1992. But even before that I was trying to live my life without fear and regret, which means often doing very hard things.

For example, in 1981, when I was 19, I told my parents I was pregnant, keeping the baby and not getting married. That was scary. Almost scarier than trying to imagine a baby coming out of my body. Now I have a 43-year-old lovely daughter and two just as lovely granddaughters.

Another terrifying moment was when, in 2010, I told my then-husband that I wanted a separation (divorce). I can still remember the feeling of trepidation and shame in my stomach as got up the courage to tell him. Now I have a very cordial relationship with my ex-husband and we are both very much happier with our lives. And our kids are happier too! All three are independent and capable of doing all the things a parent needs to teach a child to do: make their own doctor appointments, cook meals, do laundry, work hard, and make good choices, among other things.

In between those two bookends, I did a lot of other very scary things: Let go of good people. Fired bad people. Started new things. Shut things down. Sold things. Wrote extremely personal things and shared them with the public (and all of you!), traveled alone to far-off lands, and flew in a seaplane (fun!!). All in all, I can look back on my life so far and say I have very few regrets. And in every case where I did something terrifying, I landed in a better place. It wasn’t easy. But it’s been a process of realizing that I deserve joy, deserve pleasure, and deserve fulfillment. I mean, what are we here for anyway? The house will always get dirty. Things will always break. The yard will always need tending. But when it’s all over, is that what we want to remember and be remembered for? As Mary Oliver says, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

And now, looking at the world we are currently living in, a life lived in fear is taking on new meaning. It’s not just about having the courage to decide something for ourselves, but deciding if we can face what others want to do to us. Do we have the courage to march? Do we have the courage to stand up and speak for those less fortunate than us? Do we have the courage to do the right thing even when it seems impossible? I hope so.

What the movie Strictly Ballroom is about is bucking the social norms to dance to a different drum (with new steps), so to speak, and to cross cultural boundaries to learn from one another. When the main characters finally get up the courage to do that, they expose corruption, secret heartbreak, and…FREEDOM. Pleasure! Love!

I think that’s what I am witnessing in the world right now — billions of people who are so afraid of living a life of freedom that they feel they must crush those who are trying to live a full life. They mistake order and control for happiness. They mistake money for love. They mistake success for joy. And they mistake pain for pleasure. That’s why it often seems the cruelty is the point. For many, it is, because it gives them a sick sense of pleasure. But in fact, many of them are hiding corruption, secrets, and heartbreak from unhealed childhood trauma. So they would rather tank the economy of the whole world to scoop up assets at a cheap deal and sell their souls to corrupt politicians rather than be responsible, caring leaders whose real job is to protect our country. The cruelty is the point. And the stupidity is sickening.

I’ve learned we can’t fix or heal those people. Healing is a solitary journey, often triggered by illness or pain. But each of us can decide to live a fearless life and shine our light so others can see their way in the dark. And share whatever gifts we do have with others wherever we can. What is your gift? Have you found it yet?

I’ve also started blocking people on social media to protect myself. I used to be determined not to block anyone so that I could understand “all sides,” but at a certain point, access to me just gives them oxygen I’m not willing to share. Boundaries. It’s called boundaries. I’m learning. If my country isn’t willing to protect me, then I must do what I can to protect myself. For me, that doesn’t mean buying guns. It means finding people and a community I can trust. And living each day, as the Shamans say, as if it might be my last.

True pleasure and love aren’t about temporary indulgences — a stiff drink, a luxury or non-luxury vacation, a new car, or a sexual fling. And it certainly isn’t living your life based on how other people think you should or fitting into some group. I have a friend who is a pelvic floor specialist and she shared with me that many of her patients who seem happy, beautiful, and successful on the surface are deeply troubled and out of touch with what brings them true joy. Fear and shame are what keep them silent...and in pain.

In these troubled times, it’s especially important for white people (like me) to begin breaking free from our imaginary chains. We have relied too often on others to fix our mistakes or lead social change. And we have let jealousy of others’ successes destroy our humanity. Truthfully, we’ve caused too much of the harm in this country. Being fearful and hiding in our safe little dens watching TV is not going to make things easier for anyone. It’s time to face our fears, find our courage, and lead with joy. Because, as one woman said on TikTok said, you can’t “fight” the patriarchy, or win anything through violence. The only we we all win is by all of us growing, evolving, and finding our joy.

For me true joy is about appreciating the things that are good around me, speaking from my heart, and finding the courage to make hard choices that I know will lead me to a better place down the road. It’s an ongoing process. But it’s what makes a full life worth living. Because a life lived in fear is a life half lived.

What will you do today and tomorrow that will bring you, and the world, more joy?