In Praise of Non-Toxic Masculinity

A lot of people, both men and women, accuse feminists of being man-haters. That’s not necessarily true. What is true is that too many women don’t feel safe with men, and harbor deep buried rage at all the injustices, both large and small, we have experienced from their mouths and hands and feet (and other parts). It’s an ancient rage that hurts everyone — men, women, and especially children. That’s why it’s been so remarkable to see the glorious rise of the non-toxic man in recent months. It started with Travis Kelsey who was successful and uber-manly in his own right, publicly and happily emotionally supporting his uber-successful girlfriend Taylor Swift. Women everywhere woke up to the possibility that a new kind of love existed. I also observed it in the Olympic athlete stories — Simone Biles and her husband are just one example of many where two successful athletes who share the same passions root for each other and show what real love can look like. And then there is Tim Walz, whose turkey tater tot casserole and super clean and organized garage made me swoon with appreciation. He can cook, clean, and support a black woman in power? What glorious revolution is happening? These are the kind of men we feminists want to see in our lives. These are the kinds of men we would choose over the bear.

Look, I know no man, woman, or relationship, is perfect. But I also know that non-toxic people are better for everyone’s health and happiness. And the happiness many of us women are witnessing as these men speak up and act with decency, kindness, and humor goes a long way toward healing our collective trauma and inspiring hope in our hearts. I mean, we don’t want toxins in our food, personal care products, or environments, why would we want toxins in the people around us?

I think there are tons of men out there who truly are non-toxic. I know a lot of them, and they are my friends. But I have also experienced, witnessed, and felt the brunt of toxic masculinity in my personal and business life. And honestly, I know from personal experience that an Olympic Gold Medal doesn’t mean a man is non-toxic. I’ve also studied and read a lot of books to understand where this toxic masculinity comes from. What makes one teen boy a happy, well-adjusted, and loving kid, and another teen boy with a similar background want to kill people? It is terrifying to see the murder of little girls enjoying a Taylor Swift dance party. But it’s also terrifying to see the xenophobic riots that happened in response. And the fact that Taylor Swift had to cancel three shows in Vienna due to ISIS-inspired terroristic threats is deeply disturbing. The hatred of women — especially successful and happy women, is REAL.

I’m not going to explain how it all started and where it began. We can’t go back. We won’t go back. But I can explain how it’s perpetuated.

Misguided parenting - we all carry some sort of generational trauma and it shows up in how we were parented and how we choose to parent our own children. I’ve seen way too many unhappy marriages where the mother transfers her love and desire for her husband to her son, elevating the boy to a form of kingship where he becomes entitled and incompetent to take care of himself (just like his father). Women are complicit in this. I once had a 16-year-old boy stay with me for two weeks and he didn’t even know how to make his own sandwich. Let me tell you that changed pretty damn quick. If learned incompetence can be taught, so can learned competence.

Jealousy – I’m going to say the quiet part out loud. A lot of white men (and women) are jealous of the competence and power of people of color and women. When women are free to study as they please, they consistently outperform men. Female doctors have a much higher success rate than male doctors. And just take a look at all the beautiful people of color on the Olympic podiums and the Democratic National Committee (DNC). Success comes in all colors, shapes, and genders and people get jealous. And jealousy creates toxins in the soul.

Fear – Why is it always the big pumped-up guys in their giant trucks that need the most guns? What are they afraid of? They are afraid of being shamed and called a pussy. They are afraid of all the toxins they have created in the world. They are afraid of people finding out they don’t know what the hell they are doing. So they make everyone else afraid. Especially women.

Shame – Religion is great at shaming people, especially for anything sexual. Religion justifies honor killings in Middle Eastern countries. The Heritage Foundation uses religion to justify its hideous attempts to turn back the clock and stuff women back in a box. When a church, a government, or especially a parent or other relative shames a child, toxins poison the mind and body. Shame is the great wall that prevents true communication and authenticity. It’s time to tear down that wall!

Laziness – Lastly, we can’t forget laziness. Toxic masculinity arises when men simply don’t want to do the work – especially women’s work. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, “homemaking,” remembering birthdays and buying gifts. Let’s call it what it is. Laziness. There are too many people who don’t want to do the hard work and want it for cheap and are willing to take advantage of migrant workers, slaves, housewives, or daughters. My relationship with my ex-husband has vastly improved since we are no longer married. He has learned to cook and feed himself, do his own laundry, and keep his own home and decorate it to his liking. He is a great father to our daughters and grandfather to our granddaughters. We are BOTH happier since our divorce and would never go back to the way it was. (We’re not going back!)

We live in tenuous times. With the rise of the non-toxic men and the raising of women’s expectations, we are not out of the woods. Survivors of domestic abuse know the most dangerous time is when they decide to leave the abusive relationship. And the fact of the matter is, more and more women are deciding to leave. Unmarried women, with or without cats, are the happiest demographic of all.

What a wonderful world it would be if women could feel safe around men. If more and more men choose to do the work to become non-toxic, men and women would be happier. Sex for everyone would improve because a woman is almost certainly unable to orgasm unless she feels safe. And joy will infuse the world.

I recently had my first viral thread. “Seeing all the Swifties singing in Vienna reminds me of the original Grinch Who Stole Christmas when the Whos of Whoville sang anyway. You can steal all the stuff, but you can’t steal the spirit.” It’s true. Whatever toxic male gang that planned to kill as many girls and women singing and dancing their hearts out FAILED. Thank God. My daughter and granddaughter saw her —safely—at Wembley afterward. Our children and grandchildren are PRECIOUS.

The highlight of the DNC for me (which I watched completely on CSPAN with no talking pundits or commercials…what joy!) was when Tim Walz told his wife and two kids that they were his whole world and he loved them. The utter joy and tears on his son Gus’s face as he pointed to his dad and shouted “That’s my dad!” had me bawling. How many of us wish our own fathers would have boldly and publicly proclaimed their love for us? How healing would that be if it was considered normal? (And lucky for you if it was.)

I asked a good friend of mine if her dad ever told her he loved her. She laughed. She’s my age, super successful (with two kids).

“The closest he came was when he told a business associate that he was proud of me while I was there next to him. But then he followed with ‘Too bad she’s not a boy.’”

Soul and heart-crushing. My dad only told me he loved me once, but it was in anger. I can’t even tell you how it’s impacted my ability to be in a non-toxic relationship.

We don’t want to hate men. We don’t want to be afraid of men. We want to celebrate and sing and feel the freedom in our Pink Pony Girl* bones. We want someone like Tim Walz to make sure we have what we need to feel safe and loved and cared for. Or someone like Doug Emhoff who can watch his wife accept the nomination for President with pride and joy and love! It’s a new era for women and men. It’s about damn time. Because We Are Not Going Back!

And for whatever secret desires we may have we want men to mind their own damn business…unless, that is, we invite them into our secret garden. Only non-toxic men allowed!

*The song which is currently stuck in my head all day and all night. Listen at your own risk!