Our bodies are bombarded from birth with messages that confuse and distract us. Do this, don’t do that. Be thin but here, eat these cookies. Look sexy, but don’t expect sexual pleasure because it’s sinful and shameful. Help others, but helping yourself is selfish. Work hard and succeed, but don’t expect a decent wage unless you are lucky, or a man, or already rich. Want peace on earth but obsessively watch war on TV, or violent shows. Detox your body, but keep on polluting the earth. We have religion, capitalism (advertising) and ignorance to thank for most of the confusion. But thankfully, there has never been a better time to find the answers and try new things.
I think the first step in true self care is realizing that all these conflicting messages aren’t true and the only true thing is what you want and need to feel safe and alive. Really alive. Which means there is no singular truth about how to care for yourself. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. However, there are some basics:
Keep your body clean. Unless you want to get dirty. Sometimes getting dirty is super fun and an excellent path to happiness. But seriously, I used to have lots of itchy spots on my skin and back. It took a bit of trial and error, but I both gave up gluten and scrubbed my skin in the shower instead of just gently washing it and voila, it’s much better. Giving up gluten also eradicated my acid reflux. Too bad it took me so long to figure that out because I could have avoided years of suffering. But that brings up another point. Doctors are great and helpful, but 9 times out of 10 it’s up to us to figure out how to heal ourselves.
Take oral hygiene seriously. That’s what I learned after a recent infection — I think in the nerve of my tooth? My dentist was helpful in ruling out a lot of things and prescribing antibiotics. But ultimately it was up to me to floss twice a day, do a salt water rinse and be patient because my appointment with a specialist is still two months away. But also, watch what words come out of your mouth. Try not to say anything hurtful — even if it’s funny. Speak kindly to yourself.
Sleep well. I always thought I slept well but when I had my stroke they ordered tests to see what might have caused it. Turns out snoring (which I do) and sleep apnea are major causes of stroke! Now I have to get a CPAP machine. To find out if you have sleep apnea you have to get a sleep study. Here is a picture of me getting prepped. Yes, I did sleep that night. Pro tip: bring your own pillow and blanket. It’s not my best photo but it’s the truth.
Move. And keep moving. “Exercise” and “Fitness” are important, but what works for one may not work for everyone. We used to publish Runner’s World and Bicycling Magazines. Great sports and fitness for sure. But I know far too many former executives who ran and biked who have had knees and hips replaced, or worse, been hit and maimed by cars. I have done Iyengar yoga for 27 years, which is great for keeping me limber and saving my knees and hips. But it hasn’t made me lose weight. And I know people who have done lots of yoga who still died of cancer. So there is no miracle cure. (Although no one should go for back surgery without trying therapeutic Iyengar yoga first.) But basically do whatever brings you joy. Personally, I love to lift weights. And I found this website for ecstatic dance that has great playlists that I listen to while working and get up and move around when I feel like it.
Find the right foods for you. Listen to your body, but also know that sometimes your body lies to you. For example, when I ate gluten I was hungry all the time. If you would have told me a year ago that I would give up salt (mostly) and sugar I would have though you were lying. But here I am. Funny fact, my grandfather wrote a book called Sugar and the Criminal Mind. He was eccentric sometimes. But there is truth there. Sugar makes us a bit crazy too. My “sugar” is fruit. The whole fruit. And if I want something cold I make a smoothie, because I don’t believe in suffering. Suffering on purpose is not self-care. Let me know if you want my recipe for Aussie energy balls. They are better than candy! But what I have really noticed is that when I start eating cleanly and simply, I can really feel my body rebelling when I eat something processed or too salty and sweet.
Groom yourself for you, not for others. So much money and time is spent by women on grooming for others expectations. That’s fine if that’s what brings you pleasure. True self care is figuring out for yourself what makes you happy and feel good. Don’t be afraid to change it up. For me personally, a lot of beauty products make me itch, burn or irritated. Fortunately, I found a few products and people that help me feel groomed. I’ve been going for non-polish reflexology pedicures and manicures to Sandy Stola at Nirvana Bleu for many, many years. And Kindred Skincare is the only moisturizer that doesn’t make my eyes burn. I love taking baths, but all I need is some Epsom salts and a few drops of whatever essential oil I’m feeling in the mood for. Grooming doesn’t have to cost a lot of money if you don’t want it to and if you put your money where it makes the most sense for you. The main thing is you need to find the courage to really look at yourself in the mirror and decide what needs taking care of. I do remember one woman I used to work with who told me I was lucky because I didn’t have a husband I had to keep myself looking young and sexy for so he wouldn’t lose interest in her and leave. That’s probably true, sadly. But I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that.
Don’t underestimate the importance of touch. I think a lot of people don’t do stuff because they think it’s weird, they don’t want others to think they are weird, or they are just plain afraid. Take massage, for instance. A lot of people don’t get massages for whatever reason. And yet massages can solve so many issues and teach you about your body. Too expensive? Pets are expensive too. (And they also provide the benefit of touch.) Some masseuses will even trade for services. If it’s important you can find a way. Of course touch also refers to sexual touch, which is a wonderful luxury to those who have partners. Please don’t ever take that for granted. If you really love someone, nothing is too weird (as long as it’s safe and agreed on). If you don’t have a partner, touching yourself is good too. (Even if you DO have a partner touching yourself is good.) A massage is self care. An orgasm is self care. Cuddling with a cat or dog is also self care. I will always stand by my belief that most crankiness and human bad behavior stems from either hunger, fatigue or sexual frustration.
Boundaries are essential. Ultimately self-care is about learning what to say no to and what to say yes to, and creating space and time to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Look, I have three kids so I know that there are years where you can’t even go to the bathroom by yourself without making someone cry, including yourself. But now that they are mostly grown I realize that my ability to set boundaries also teaches them to create boundaries and not perpetuate the female martyr-ism that runs in my family.
Just Breathe. Breathing is free, can (and must) be done at any and all times. There are all sorts of resources and types of breathing, but the main thing is to take a good deep breath every once in a while. I also like the 4-7-8 breath to help me relax. Breath in for 4, hold for 7 and exhale for 8. There is also the box breath, which is 4-4-4-4. Breath in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 and hold for 4. Try it.
Don’t forget to hydrate. I can’t live without my insulated cups that keep my ice water cold all day and all night. I take it with me everywhere and even leaving it in a hot car doesn’t make the water warm. But another way to save money and care for yourself is to make a giant jar of tea and keep it in your fridge. Or save your leftover coffee to make iced coffee. Don’t waste your money (or your environmental credit) on sugary drinks that you buy in a store. You will feel better and look better.
In my next post I’ll tackle mental self-care. And the post after that will be spiritual or energetic self care. I’m doing this as much for me as for you. But I’m also at an age where it feels important to pass on what I have learned. In this age of over-information it’s hard to know what is real and true. All these things are real and true for me. But your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what is real for you. Have fun!
*In 1974 my father wrote a book called The Best Health Ideas I know. Basically, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I must have had sleep apnea for years for I had dark rings under my eyes for as long as I can remember. I thought it was caused by my life style of working and playing hard. But once I got my bi-pap machine and finally fell into REM sleep they went away.
What I found is great about going gluten free is that I don't 'carb crash' after a meal. And as for cleanliness, Ivory soap is a must!