What Is True?

Daddy Issues and Democracy

Me in my public high school cafeteria in 1977. I was a freak. I did drugs. I was sexually abused. I was bullied. I hate milk. And I don’t know who that kid next to me is. I also have no memory of who took this picture.

I forced myself to watch the State of the Union last night (on C-Span). I wanted to see with my own eyes what was said, how it was said, and how people responded. I didn’t want to rely on short clips taken out of context and social media takes to tell me what was true or not. I’m glad I did, because I think the truth is more complicated than we’d like to think it is. After some initial booing and protesting, the audience settled down, and Trump spoke in a sing-songy voice that made it feel like he was reading a bedtime story.* And I remembered after he was elected, some men (including Mel Gibson) saying something to the effect of “Daddy’s home.”

What was true about what he said last night? Is he truly the greatest President since George Washington? In a way, it doesn’t matter what he said because how he said it lulled his followers into a feeling of sleepy adoration. Daddy’s home. And yes, he had a hard day at work. But now, he’s putting them to bed with a story that has a happy ending where the bad guys (Democrats) get their proper punishments — banishment from the kingdom. And honestly, the Democrats did not do themselves any favors last night. Their sour, bitter faces — even as Trump did Oprah-like magic tricks for a few truly sad victims of crime, disease, and dreams (one kid whose dream it was to go to West Point actually found out from Trump he got accepted. Another young black boy who had brain cancer who always wanted to be a cop got a special special agent badge. Mothers whose daughters were murdered by immigrants got justice. All very sweet.) Whoever wrote his speech hit all the important points, and he stayed on script, even if it was filled with factual lies, of which there were many. But if there is one thing Trump understands, it’s the power of a TV show. Truth is not required.

Dems, on the other hand, would have been more powerful and visually effective if they all had stayed home. Wearing hot pink was weird. A nod to Barbie? In Trump’s bedtime story, Nancy Pelosi is the evil stepmother, and sadly, she looked the part. Not her fault. It’s just the programming for story that we all have. And when he said we would plant a flag on Mars, I can only assume it was Elon in the balcony who whooped loudly with joy. Apparently, Elon’s dream of going to Mars was planted by his father reading him bedtime stories when he was little.

Ironically, both Trump and Elon had truly horrible fathers — fathers whom they could never quite please and get the love they longed for. Even if they became the greatest President in the world. Even if they became the richest man in the world. Power does not heal the father wound;** it just prolongs it and makes it more dangerous to others. But we can’t fix that for them. Only they can. So, let’s focus on what was true and untrue about last night:

Things that are true:

• Americans need to stop its white saviorism, thinking it is our job to save the world. It’s not.

• The government IS inefficient and needs to be streamlined for this new time of technology. And if you are too old to understand the new technology, please retire.

• We DO need to take the toxins out of our food…AND OUR FARMS.

• We DO need to reduce our debt and balance our budget.

• The world needs to stop fighting and killing each other for stupid shit. Stupid shit includes religion, resources, ego, distraction, and money.

Here is what is also true:

• Empires are outdated and deserve to fall. Even the Russian and American ones.

• There are more than two genders, and that is natural, normal and okay.

• Name-calling is juvenile, hurtful, and completely destructive — on both sides.

• Yelling at people is even worse and compounds the trauma.

• It’s not morally okay to lie, bully, cheat, and steal.

• We need to stop fighting and insulting each other and start collaborating and understanding our different perspectives.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how politics reminds me of a high school cafeteria. I had the opportunity to attend both public and private high schools. In the public high school cafeteria, there were the jocks, the nerds, band and theater kids, the freaks, and the greasers. Those groups didn’t mix much, and I don’t remember any people of color. The bullies came from the greaser and jock groups, and made life miserable for anyone different or odd. Sexual abuse was RAMPANT. In private school, there were no greasers because everyone there was college-prep. There were still the jocks, the nerds and the freaks (no band because there was no football). But there was also a new group: people of color, many of whom came from overseas because it was a boarding school. (Yes, I was “sent away” from home. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.) There was still bullying and sexual abuse at private school. All the groups sat in their own cliques in the cafeteria. In other words, kids are kids. Last night, the Republicans were the jocks (and their cheerleaders) and a few nerds — the “greasers” weren’t invited and stayed home watching Fox News. The Democrats were the freaks and nerds and the people who are different and more colorful. But are we really still in high school?

America, it’s time to grow up. It’s time for men to become the fathers they always wished they’d had and raise young men without even more father wounds. It’s time for us to sit together at different tables and get to know one another. It’s time to stop looking at politics as if it’s the Friday night football game, including sex under the bleachers. It’s definitely time for us to write new stories! One where the mothers aren’t always dead, and the stepmothers aren’t always evil. It’s time for men to get out of the basement of superhero cartoons and video games and embrace genuine, mature masculinity. After all, we have a country to run, citizens to keep safe, and a future to create.

This does not mean we should give in and roll over to whatever people want, especially if it’s illegal, cruel, and dangerous. Today is the first day of Lent. I am not religious, but in the natural cycles of the seasons, this is the time of scarcity before spring, the resurrection occurs. I’ve recently learned about the idea of a Shamanic cleanse, where we use this time to rid ourselves of things that no longer work for us or things we want to shed. This is the perfect time to decide how we want to move forward, to determine what is true for each of us, which may be different than what is true for others. Toxins can be chemicals, PFAS, microplastics, and processed foods. But they can also be words, thoughts, and deeds. Sadly, we can’t rely on single sources of news or information anymore. We have to do our own fact-checking and see things with our own eyes, draw our own conclusions, and act accordingly.

And that, my friends, is the truth.

*I don’t care for the sound of his voice, but I understand how others might find it soothing.

**I have my own father wound, which is why I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. I’m working on it.